i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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