Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
