So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
