I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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