fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My life is pants optional.
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