currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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