this beer tastes like vomit already
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm bleeding and have questions
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
