I cockslap morals
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
