turn off your phone and go to bed
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet