I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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