I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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