dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
40s are totally the cure
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
