Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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