somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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