Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
don't judge my taste in strippers
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
