I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
