I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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