I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
