you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
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i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
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Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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