can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
