I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
