Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize