I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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