drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
