I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She bit a glass in half.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
