totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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