Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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