I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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