roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.