the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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