i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
