where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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