Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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