I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
