Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I think my moral compass just broke
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
