Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
