all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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