for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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