Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
