Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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