Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
