i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
