you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome