My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
