Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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