We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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