found the other keg... it's in the tree
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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