You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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