I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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