she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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