Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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