Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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