I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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