I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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