hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
