I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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