Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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