Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
