these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
