Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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