Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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