the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
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Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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