Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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